Horror anthology based around tiny terrors.
Review by Sue Finn
Directed by: Matt Green
Starring: Zach Galligan, Hannah Fierman, Courtney Lakin, Jonathan Horne
Six year old Jason is worried there are monsters in his room. He calls for his mum but nasty step dad Tom (Zach Galligan, slumming it) appears instead.
“I want my mummy!”
“Well you got me instead,” he replies to the child after telling the boy's mother that she “cuddles him too much.”
Eventually mum comes in to do the ‘monster check’ while Tom glowers in the background. Toxic masculinity at its finest.
The next day mother and son go shopping for a toy to keep him company at night so he’s not scared of monsters any more.
They head into a well-lit warehouse style store and peruse the cheap-looking goods before young Jason meets the creepy proprietor as he emerges from the back.
Jason is transfixed by a leprechaun doll called Patrick O’Malley that the doll-maker is tending to, even though it's obviously a doll that no child would ever actually be transfixed by as it’s ugly, adult and burnt.
Creepy proprietor launches into a story of why Patrick is so special and we are transported to the first of three horror anthology stories.
Blood For Gold
Mom puts young Daniel to sleep as he blathers on about leprechauns and then heads downstairs where teenage daughter Caitlin (Piper Collins, who deserves much better than this dreck; she is good even with the script she has to work with) says they have moved into a strange gross house with a bloody history. Mom pooh poohs this but of course the next scene proves Caitlin’s words correct when cop friend Susan pops by to say “we both know what happened THAT NIGHT.”
The next day Patrick O’Malley, the leprechaun doll extraordinaire, shows up on her doorstep and she just takes him inside. After declaring “you don’t scare me” to the toy she tries to cover his face with a tea towel ad nauseum while she potters about doing household chores.. oooh scary!
[ READ MORE: New Release Review - You Don't Nomi ]
[ READ MORE: New Release Review - You Don't Nomi ]
Later, while the kids are out trick-or-treating with Susan, Mum has a weird black-and-white flashback and almost commits Hari Kari. Don’t ask.
Turns out Patrick is after a gold coin that mum has and... blah blah blah. It’s all so dullsville and in no way frightening. A swift kick and that knee-high creep would be done for, but of course no-one does that and we slowly limp to the uninspired climax.
Be Careful Watch You Wish For
Next up the doll maker tells us about a German doll with a cracked face called Patty.
We are now in the world of facially scarred Abby who despairs of ever finding someone to love her. All her dolls have scar faces too apparently because of her stalker doll Patty, who is obsessed with Abby and says she should be all that the young woman needs.
Apparently the scar that looks exactly like a big scratch down the side of her face is supposed to be a burn, but it’s not in anyway convincing as that.
She unexpectedly meets up with old flame Jeremy at a convention that seems to have no discernable theme as she wanders the halls of a hotel with her dolls in tow. She’s dressed as Alice in Wonderland and he’s dressed as some sort of warrior; why she’s crating about her dolls in a Radio Flyer wagon I have no idea.
She and Jeremy have a catch-up date and she re-caps her entire life for him.
[ READ MORE: New Release Review - The Vast of Night ]
[ READ MORE: New Release Review - The Vast of Night ]
Of course broken-faced Patty doesn’t want her to have anything or anyone else and so does her best to cock-block the relationship.
There’s a love scene in which it seems impossible for the filmmakers to keep the lighting consistent as one minute it’s night time and lit by lamps, next minute it’s clearly full day time.
There is a death scene so laughable that I thought maybe it was meant to be a comedy and once again a fully-grown human is defeated by something light, small and plastic.
This is followed by the worst head spin effect I’ve ever seen on film.
The anthology is rounded out by a Giggles the clown story which is as ludicrously bad as the rest, but luckily this one is a mercifully short five minute affair.
The script by Yasmin Bakhtiari and Nancy Wright is never once unnerving or believable, with the dialogue falling especially short. The actions of characters make little sense. Take the wrap around story for instance - Why would an old fashioned doll maker be working in a fluoro lit junk store? And no other shoppers came into that big old store? Why would mother and son stand there and listen to this creepy doll maker's stories? They have nothing better to do than listen to disturbing stories told by a stranger to her six year old who suffers nightmares?
The special effects are truly dire, the sets dull. As directed by Matt Green, it has an uninspired look and telegraphed ‘scares’, as well as no sense of place.
The movie is unfocused, badly written, directed, lit and acted. The only thing going for this film is that it’s only an hour and 25 minutes, but an hour and 25 minutes have never felt so long.
Evil Little Things is on US DVD/Digital now. A UK/ROI release has yet to be announced.
"A wonderfully diverse mélange of short cinema, very well curated to provide different artistic and entertainment experiences."— The Movie Waffler (@themoviewaffler) June 1, 2020
THE UNCERTAIN KINGDOM is on UK Digital now.
Read @Musannaaa's reviewhttps://t.co/iQkKo7vaGF pic.twitter.com/qWs9LDXuMr