Review by
Eric Hillis
Directed by: Pierce Berolzheimer
Starring: Dylan Riley Snyder, Jessica Morris, Allie Jennings,
Bryce Durfee, Chase Padgett
Writer-director Pierce Berolzheimer's feature debut
Crabs! isn't a body-horror concerning a nasty type of STD
but rather a monster movie in which radiation infected crabs mutate and
turn murderous. Some of them grow to human size, with one even taking
the form of a giant Kaiju-like creature. Berolzheimer is aiming high,
but his film is let down by juvenile and offensive stereotypes, dodgy CG
and a lack of inventive kills.
Okay, there is actually one clever kill, but it comes right at the
beginning of the film and raises our expectations to a level the film
never again matches. A prologue sees a couple having sex on the beach of
a small California coastal town when they're attacked by one of the
mutated crabs. The scene has a witty denouement that will make you
believe we're in for a smart send-up of monster movies.
Alas, things soon begin to drag. We're introduced to the film's main
players: wheelchair bound science nerd Philip (Dylan Riley Snyder) and his best friend Maddy (Allie Jennings), for whom he
harbours a crush. Along with Romanian exchange student Radu (Chase Padgett, with a performance that's wildly offensive to both Eastern Europeans
and those with mental disabilities), Philip's deputy cop brother Hunter
(Bryce Durfee) and Maddy's teacher mom Annalise (Jessica Morris), they come to realise their town is under attack by killer
crustaceans. Using his science skills, Philip sets about finding a way
to regain the use of his legs and fashion a weapon that can fight back
against the crabs.
It's difficult to figure out what type of audience Berolzheimer is aiming to
satisfy with his debut. The prologue is tailor made to get a drunken
midnight horror festival crowd on board, boasting blood and boobs and an
awareness of the tropes of this sub-genre. But most of the rest of the
movie resembles something that might be broadcast on Nickelodeon at five
in the afternoon. Snyder and Jennings both come off as graduates of the
Disney school, so it's weird when they come out with smutty lines like
"Let's go watch homeless people have sex on the beach!" The film's
blandly sunny aesthetic cements its resemblance to afternoon kids' TV,
as does the over-the-top finale in which Philip takes the controls of a
giant robot. By that point, anyone sucked in by the promising opening
segment will have realised Crabs! is far from the love
letter to/piss take of classic monster movies it's being billed
as.
